Lost in the Woods, Monday Night

[the_merriest]

So Reno had humiliated himself fabulously and now Rikku and Reno were off for some good-old fashioned dirty time, involving that abandoned shack out in the woods. They'd made it there once and then completely screwed up having dirty time. But this time? They were totally going to the abandoned shack, and there was going to be dirty time.

No, really. The abandoned shack, out in the woods. She knew the way. They'd already been here once. They --

"How did we get lost!?"

(for the reno, who was modded with permission. this post is not going to be NWS, even if by some miracle they find the shack.)

Comments

[raspberryturk]

Reno stopped in his tracks when she turned around, raising an eyebrow, hands still jammed into his pockets.

Wow, did that ever sound to Reno like one big damn accusation. And it managed to sting like hell and confuse the shit out of him all at the same time.

He wasn't sure if he was supposed to take it as 'we both know you don't have the balls,' or if it was more of an agreement with what he just said.

He really didn't love her less. He reminded himself of that before he shook his head and opened his mouth to reply.

"Right," he stated. "We both know I ain't never gonna marry. Why would I?"

That came out sounding more bitter than he intended. Today had been... just that sort of day.

[the_merriest]

Her eyes squeezed shut and she tried not to flinch, but she didn't manage it. Not nearly.

Why would I?

She kept forgetting that this was temporary. Because he might get called back home at any time. Because Turks didn't live too long. Because even getting a pet required a chain of who'd take it once he was out of here. And because, beyond all that --

I don't date.

It's just a word. You wanna say you're my. ... Girlfriend. Then. Uh.

Why would I?

-- you know. He just wasn't that kinda guy. Liked to keep his options open. Why say 'forever' if you could say 'today'? Might be someone hotter down the line. Might get bored. Might get killed. Fuck it, right?

Good enough to take to bed in the meantime. So long as she didn't ask for much else.

She wasn't walking away now because she was huffy. It was because she wasn't sure she wasn't going to cry, and she wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

[raspberryturk]

Reno's eyebrow furrowed and he set off at a brisk walk after her. Damn it, that wasn't exactly the reaction that he'd been expecting.

Way to fuck it all up again, Reno. All it ever takes is a few wrong words, and off she goes, and it's your fault again. Killer, dirty fuck with the bloody hands, and he can't even talk about his best friend on the island making a proposal without somehow managing to convince Rikku that the best way to head when around him was always the other way.

"Rikku, slow down, would you?" He pressed onward through the trees, ignoring the rock that he'd tripped on twice before, managing to avoid it this time. Lucky him. "Rikku? Can we just stop and talk?"

...

Please?

[the_merriest]

"I-I think I'm going back to the cabin," she called, over her shoulder, trying like hell to keep her voice from sounding like that. Not looking. Not stopping. "Kinda don't feel good. 'Snothing. Just not in the mood for --"

Hot, meaningless sex out in the abandoned shack.

Kinda lost its zing.

[raspberryturk]

It was getting cold out, again. But the cold wasn't in the air tonight, at all.

She probably wouldn't want his jacket, if he offered it to her.

"Please, Rikku, don't-" Don't what? He could run after her and catch her, no problem. Hell, he could stop and wait. She'd come around again. But this wasn't the time to let her go. Not lost. You stop following people who are lost, and then you never see them again, and you wonder years down the road if maybe they're alive somewhere, or if anyone ever found the body to bury it-

He kept her in his sight as he followed behind her. Losing her and bound and determined not to lose her, too.

"Wait up?"

[the_merriest]

At that, she did stop in place, closing her eyes and taking one or two raggedy breaths.

And then she realized that if she waited for him to catch up, he might see her crying.

Even Yevon didn't get to see her cry.

So she was going to start walking again. Head down. Arms folded.

"Nothing to talk about."

There really wasn't. She needed to stop getting attached. The end.

[raspberryturk]

"I dunno, I kinda beg to differ." Fine. She wasn't going to stop, then he was going to run and catch up. Again. "We were talkin' about Romeo and Doji, and it became about you and me, and you said I probably wasn't gonna marry, and ... What? What about that's got you walkin' away from me again?"

He didn't mean to put as much emphasis into again as he had, either.

But.

[the_merriest]

She stopped in place, which meant he could at least catch up. See? That was very nice of her.

She was just going to stare at the ground and close her eyes and wait for him to make sense.

That wasn't going to happen.

So she'd open her mouth and tell him, you know, that maybe she had to walk away so she wouldn't keep giving him little parts of herself that she'd never get back and he didn't want anyway.

That wouldn't really come out, either.

Why did he keep doing this? Cracking the door and letting her slip around it and then making a big show of shoving her back outside again and putting the deadbolt on?

Maybe it was fun for him. She couldn't say.

She couldn't seem to say anything right now.

[raspberryturk]

He caught up, pulled one hand from his pocket to rest against a tree while he made the motions of catching his breath.

And he shook his head. He didn't dare close his eyes. If he blinked, she'd be gone again.

"I don't get it," he said. Because the silence was deafening and he had to break it with something. "You got my loyalty and my love and I gave you my name, my own boss don't even know if I'm more yours or a Turk. And then we get into talkin' about someone else's proposal, and it ain't enough all over again."

Okay. Now he had to shut his eyes.

"I don't know what you want, yoto."

[the_merriest]

"You," she said softly, getting frustrated by now. Wasn't that obvious!? Why was he asking her to humiliate herself and pull all of this out into the open again? "I want you. And you want me, as long as it's just for now and it doesn't interrupt anything else you need to be doing. As long as I remember you're a Turk first and you can't stay too long. We can ... go to bed, and spend time together, and you'll let me pretend it means something, so long as I know that ... when the clock strikes twelve, you go right back to not giving a damn."

Maybe they shouldn't be bothering with this charade at all.

[raspberryturk]

Pretend.

Pretend, like nothing ever meant anything. Because that's what all of this has been. Right. Some kind of make-believe game. Pretend. Like what normal kids did when they lived normal fucking lives and didn't have to worry about eating or not.

He'd become spoiled by Fandom and turned into some kind of normal kid and now Rikku was accusing him of just... playing.

Good. Good to know.

"Tseng told me to pack my bags, a while back. Told me I was goin' back to Edge. That bein' here was stupid." Just fucking pretending. Yeah. "I asked him which fuckin' army was gonna drag me away."

[the_merriest]

"Y-you mean ..." She dared a look up at him. Nervous. Uncertain. "You ... you don't have to go back."

Not a Turk. Free. He was? Really? She almost couldn't believe it. As much as she wanted to.

[raspberryturk]

Reno couldn't answer. He couldn't. Because he could hear that glimmer of hope in her voice and he was going to have to open his mouth and tell her that nothing could be farther from the truth, and he'd break her. And breaking her would break him. And this was why Reno wasn't allowed to have anything worth keeping.

Ever.

He chewed on his lip for a moment. Words. Words.

He wasn't allowed to have words, either. So he just tightened his fist against the tree trunk and tried like hell not to shake.

"It never works that way."

No, Reno. No words. Take them back.

Turk.

[the_merriest]

Another flinch.

"No," she said. "It doesn't."

Especially if you don't want it to.

That was that, wasn't it? Nothing else to say. He could be free. He could be hers. But he'd rather not. This was a choice, after all.

Better to have all this out in the open. Wasn't it? So she'd ... know, what it really was. Okay. Good. She should feel relieved.

She should feel something.

[raspberryturk]

"One thing sayin' no when Tseng's bein' an ass outta spite. Another thing to say no when they need me. I can't. That's not what Turks are."

Tseng would come after Rikku with a gun. Clean shot. Between the eyes.

You can't say no to being a Turk.

[the_merriest]

"And that's what really matters," she said. Flat. Empty. Dead. A leaf blowing away in the wind. "Being a Turk, zoto."

Not him. Not Fandom. Not them.

Not her. Never her.

Just more excuses. I could say no, but ... I'd rather not. Tseng didn't have an army. But Reno wasn't ... bored, yet, of being here.

Right. Okay, then.

[raspberryturk]

"This ain't what it sounds like, Rikku."

It so, so wasn't.

"I'm not... not choosin' nothin' over anything. I don't have the choice."

[the_merriest]

"If you didn't have the choice," she said carefully, "you couldn't have told him no."

Why had Fandom shown her Ruba? Just to taunt her?

"I mean, that's what you're telling me, isn't it?"

We can't have forever; I'd rather get killed for my job. You would've gotten tiring eventually.

[raspberryturk]

"No, that's not-" This wasn't working. Reno was failing at words. Badly. Again. Always. "Rikku, I don't get the choice when they need me back. Tseng'll drag me back himself if he has to."

Turk. For life. Or for the opposite. Either way.

[the_merriest]

"Maybe I don't want to just be your temporary fling any more," she said, quietly. It sounded so loud, in her ears. "Maybe if ... I'm only good enough while you're sitting around waiting, I ... deserve better than that."

Someone who might want a future, and not just a 'now.' Maybe Reno wouldn't have a future to offer. Maybe he would get killed in six months. But if he didn't, he still didn't want to be hers, so why was she pretending it was his job that was going to tear them apart again?

I don't date.

Should've listened.

[raspberryturk]

Reno wanted to argue that point. He really, really did.

But the fight in him was leaving and he was just left with sting and cold.

"You deserve better," he agreed.

What was he?

Dirty. Right back to the blood and the dirt he was going to go, and she believed that she was just a stopover on the way. Dirty.

She said it herself. She deserved better. How could he argue that?

[the_merriest]

"I think I'd rather have you," she said, really softly. There, in all its weak and stupid and patheticness: the truth. He could go ahead and laugh at her now. At least she'd said it, so this whole mess could be over with.

She couldn't find it very funny, herself. She was just going to nod carefully and start walking away.

[raspberryturk]

He didn't follow.

Not this time.

Because when it came down to comparing between what she deserved, what she wanted, and what he had to offer...

"I'd give myself to you just like that," he mumbled, pressing his forehead against the tree and not daring to speak loudly enough that she might hear, "if I was my own man to give."