Lost in the Woods, Monday Night

[the_merriest]

So Reno had humiliated himself fabulously and now Rikku and Reno were off for some good-old fashioned dirty time, involving that abandoned shack out in the woods. They'd made it there once and then completely screwed up having dirty time. But this time? They were totally going to the abandoned shack, and there was going to be dirty time.

No, really. The abandoned shack, out in the woods. She knew the way. They'd already been here once. They --

"How did we get lost!?"

(for the reno, who was modded with permission. this post is not going to be NWS, even if by some miracle they find the shack.)

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[raspberryturk]

Reno couldn't answer. He couldn't. Because he could hear that glimmer of hope in her voice and he was going to have to open his mouth and tell her that nothing could be farther from the truth, and he'd break her. And breaking her would break him. And this was why Reno wasn't allowed to have anything worth keeping.

Ever.

He chewed on his lip for a moment. Words. Words.

He wasn't allowed to have words, either. So he just tightened his fist against the tree trunk and tried like hell not to shake.

"It never works that way."

No, Reno. No words. Take them back.

Turk.

[the_merriest]

Another flinch.

"No," she said. "It doesn't."

Especially if you don't want it to.

That was that, wasn't it? Nothing else to say. He could be free. He could be hers. But he'd rather not. This was a choice, after all.

Better to have all this out in the open. Wasn't it? So she'd ... know, what it really was. Okay. Good. She should feel relieved.

She should feel something.

[raspberryturk]

"One thing sayin' no when Tseng's bein' an ass outta spite. Another thing to say no when they need me. I can't. That's not what Turks are."

Tseng would come after Rikku with a gun. Clean shot. Between the eyes.

You can't say no to being a Turk.

[the_merriest]

"And that's what really matters," she said. Flat. Empty. Dead. A leaf blowing away in the wind. "Being a Turk, zoto."

Not him. Not Fandom. Not them.

Not her. Never her.

Just more excuses. I could say no, but ... I'd rather not. Tseng didn't have an army. But Reno wasn't ... bored, yet, of being here.

Right. Okay, then.

[raspberryturk]

"This ain't what it sounds like, Rikku."

It so, so wasn't.

"I'm not... not choosin' nothin' over anything. I don't have the choice."

[the_merriest]

"If you didn't have the choice," she said carefully, "you couldn't have told him no."

Why had Fandom shown her Ruba? Just to taunt her?

"I mean, that's what you're telling me, isn't it?"

We can't have forever; I'd rather get killed for my job. You would've gotten tiring eventually.

[raspberryturk]

"No, that's not-" This wasn't working. Reno was failing at words. Badly. Again. Always. "Rikku, I don't get the choice when they need me back. Tseng'll drag me back himself if he has to."

Turk. For life. Or for the opposite. Either way.

[the_merriest]

"Maybe I don't want to just be your temporary fling any more," she said, quietly. It sounded so loud, in her ears. "Maybe if ... I'm only good enough while you're sitting around waiting, I ... deserve better than that."

Someone who might want a future, and not just a 'now.' Maybe Reno wouldn't have a future to offer. Maybe he would get killed in six months. But if he didn't, he still didn't want to be hers, so why was she pretending it was his job that was going to tear them apart again?

I don't date.

Should've listened.

[raspberryturk]

Reno wanted to argue that point. He really, really did.

But the fight in him was leaving and he was just left with sting and cold.

"You deserve better," he agreed.

What was he?

Dirty. Right back to the blood and the dirt he was going to go, and she believed that she was just a stopover on the way. Dirty.

She said it herself. She deserved better. How could he argue that?

[the_merriest]

"I think I'd rather have you," she said, really softly. There, in all its weak and stupid and patheticness: the truth. He could go ahead and laugh at her now. At least she'd said it, so this whole mess could be over with.

She couldn't find it very funny, herself. She was just going to nod carefully and start walking away.

[raspberryturk]

He didn't follow.

Not this time.

Because when it came down to comparing between what she deserved, what she wanted, and what he had to offer...

"I'd give myself to you just like that," he mumbled, pressing his forehead against the tree and not daring to speak loudly enough that she might hear, "if I was my own man to give."