Room 429, Wednesday Night

[the_merriest]

Reno and Rikku	Okay. So. It had been a while since Rikku and Reno had gone on their one and only date. Which... had been rained out. Go figure. And so they were going to do this right. They were. Another attempt at dinner, in Reno's room because it was fun to socialize with the new pet around, and it was gonna be good.
Mako	Except for the ferret prancing in the food. That had somehow managed to ruin the meal.
Reno	And so, off Reno went again, on a solemn quest to get something to replace that which once was almond chicken. Maybe next time, he'd keep the ferret in the cage while they were trying to have a picnic on the freaking floor. He really didn't think anything of it when he left his phone behind. Not like he needed it to go questing for good Wutai Chinese cuisine. Naturally, it was when Reno wasn't around to answer it that it decided to up and ring.
Rikku (and Mako)	Rikku was stretched out, wrestling the ferret, when Reno's phone rang. She was going to be a good girl and not ... ... hang on, that was Rude's ringtone. Reno totally wouldn't mind if she chatted with Rude. She could tell him about the ferret and ask for some good blackmail material. So Rikku scooped up Reno's phone and flipped it open with a grin. "Reno's House of Porn and Ferret-Wrestling. Come on down for a great deal on lesbians or a brand-new ferret. Honk if you love our prices!"
Tseng	As fate would have it, Reno happened to have the same ringtone assigned to all of the Turks. It wasn't too confusing, really. There were only three of them, after all. Tseng, evidentally, wasn't as amused by Rikku's greeting. Even if something in the background seemed to be thrilled. He'd ask about the honk later. When it was actually Reno on the other end of the line. "Reno," he said, and it was mostly a request. Mostly.
Rikku	Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay. Not Rude. Someone else had Rude's phone!? ... Shit. Shit. Shit. Probably his boss. "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number?" she tried.
Tseng	"Unlikely," came a somewhat dry reply. Perhaps if Rikku listened closely, she could hear Tseng raise his eyebrow skeptically. He was certainly doing his best to portray that fact as he worked through his next reply. After all, there were only so many girls out there likely to have access to Reno's phone. Therefore... "Rikku, I presume."
Rikku	"You have Rude's phone," Rikku announced, sounding very put out about it. "You should give it back. That's not nice."
Tseng	"I assure you," Tseng replied evenly, "I'm calling Reno from my own phone."
Rikku	"Fine," she said. No use arguing the point. "Doesn't matter. He's not here. He'll call when he gets back." She hesitated. She should just hang up. He had that caller-id display-thing on his phone. But she was kinda curious now. Rude's ringtone, and he sounded grouchy. That meant ... "Is this Tseng?"
Tseng	"Indeed." Ah, so Reno had mentioned him to Rikku. Tseng wasn't certain if he should be flattered, or concerned over the level of openness that Reno shared with this girl. He settled for a comfortable mix of the two, one part flattery, eleven parts concern. It seemed even enough, to him. At least until he got some sort of grasp of who this girl was, in any case. "Where's Reno?"
Rikku (and Mako)	"He ran into town for more Chinese," she said with a shrug. "The ferret got into the food. Kinda wrecked the picnic." She was, apparently, not paying enough attention to Mako, who proceeded to honk and chitter at her toes. "Heyyyy," she grinned, reaching her fingers down for him to sniff. "Who got into the food? Was it you? I think it was you. Who's gonna get it?"
Tseng	"The ferret?" Tseng's eyebrow? Still raised upward significantly. Perhaps more than it had been a moment before. "I suppose it's yours?" Tseng was many things. Nosy, it would seem, was one of those things today.
Rikku	"Nooo, I have a cat," Rikku said, arching one of her own eyebrows. "I thought you government people were supposed to be good at information. Wasn't all of this covered in the dossier?" Just in case he thought she was some kind of an idiot, here.
Tseng	"Reno hasn't gotten around to sending me a dossier on you," Tseng replied, perhaps slightly more surprised than he should have been that she knew about the dossiers he'd requested in the first place. Naturally, this didn't mean he wasn't well-informed. Rude, after all, was a wealth of information all on his own. "So Reno has a ferret." ... Whatever that was. Apparently, they honked.
Rikku	"He never sent one?" Rikku said, coolly. "You asked for those, like, months ago. That kinda sucks." She was terribly concerned. She was sure he could tell. "There you are, some kinda government guy, and you don't know piles and piles of useless information about me. Man, you might not even know my blood type. That's gotta be rough." Government people. They didn't need to know how what hole you fastened your belt on, but gosh darn it, why couldn't they have a three-page write up about it, anyway?
Tseng	"Somehow," Tseng mused, lifting Rude's dossier on Rikku just to hunt down her blood type for spite, "I think I'll manage. Is there any particular reason why Reno doesn't have his PHS on him at the moment?" Not having his phone could be problematic. Especially in situations such as this one, where people might actually want to get in touch with Reno.
Rikku	"He probably forgot," she said dryly. "It's like ten, fifteen minutes to town. There aren't usually bandersnatches waiting on the path there. Which is a shame, 'cause that'd make going to town a little more exciting. He really never sent one? I thought you got all 'grr, send me a dossier or you have to come back and do more evil crap' at him."
Tseng	Tseng's eyebrow? Still quirked very, very high up on his face. Evil crap. Oh, excellent. "He never did send one, no." There was a pause, while he mulled over the rest of his response. "I believe he's more than slightly enamored with you." An understatement if ever Tseng had spoken one.
Rikku	Strangely, that made her feel ... better. Safer. Like he was trying to stand between her and his boss. She should thank him, for that, when he got back. If she wasn't in too much trouble for answering his phone. "Maybe he is," she said softly, not wanting this guy to have any freaking ammunition, dammit. "Maybe he just didn't know why you needed one. Why do you, anyway? 'Hey, her blood type might allow me to determine that she's totally a dangerous criminal type who shouldn't be associating with one of my underlings.' And then you tell him to never see me again? Is that how it goes?"
Tseng	"I suppose that would depend entirely on who you are, as opposed to what you've done in the past." If his eyebrow raised any farther, Tseng might have wound up with a new part in his hair. "I'm more interested in your intentions. As opposed to your blood type." He could have mentioned that he was well aware of her history concerning the governing body of Spira. But that, really, would have been counterproductive.
Rikku	"My intentions?" Rikku was going to stare at the phone for a few seconds. "Oh my gosh, you sound like my dad. This isn't where you ask if I seduced him, is it? I mean. Have you met Reno?"
Tseng	"Once or twice," came Tseng's dry response. "Though I'm more concerned about Reno's safety than I am about his sex life." Honestly. Reno's sex life was none of Tseng's concern. Reno could do it ten times a day and twice that on Sundays if he wanted, so long as he showed up for work on time. And alive.
Rikku	"You think I'm going to stab him in the middle of the night?" Rikku said, raising an eyebrow of her own. "I mean, I'm not going to. Unless you know something about his sex life that I don't." Because if he did, then Reno was a dead bitch and that was just how things went, right there.
Tseng	"So far as I can tell, Reno's been faithful to you," Tseng replied, and yes, there was a sort of sour note in that, if only because Tseng was finding himself less inclined to give this girl the benefit of the doubt the more she continued speaking. It possibly didn't help that he wasn't thrilled with Rikku to begin with. Because, really, Reno, with a girlfriend. "You wouldn't be the first individual to get close to a Turk with the intention of ending his life, if you were planning on doing so." He figured he ought to point this out. Just in case she wasn't aware that he had damn valid reason to be paranoid, here.
Rikku	"I'm dating him," she said, just as sourly. "I'm really sorry that that makes it hard for you to be an evil government whatever-the-hell-you-are. And I know there was some girl who went after Rude, and Reno wanted to kick her ass for it. But I'm not even from your world. I mean, do you realize that? That just maybe, this has nothing to do with you being Turks and it's just about Reno?"
Tseng	"Then perhaps I'm concerned about where Reno's loyalties are going to rest when it does come down to our being Turks."
Rikku	There was a long, grouchy sort of silence, only interrupted for a stray honk or two. "I know, I know," Rikku said, scooping up Mako and nuzzling him. "I know, I'm not paying you any attention at all. I'm terrible." She sighed, loudly, into the phone. "Right. He's allowed to date me, but if you randomly decided he should stab me in my sleep, then he should go 'yes, sir, of course, sir' and do it. I forgot. Turk freaking loyalty." Rikku was not a huge fan of the Turks at the moment, no.
Tseng	Tseng's eyebrow was no longer migrating into his hairline. It was now furrowed along with the other one while he pinched his nose and did his best to bite his tongue. "And do you see any reason why I should order Reno to stab you in your sleep?" Sometimes, Tseng wasn't so great at biting his tongue.
Rikku	"You need a reason?" Rikku shot back. "You're the government. Since when do you need reasons to kill people? I'm Al Bhed, there's a good one. Oh, hey, I took down a government once. There's another one! And, you know, you're not really sure about Reno's loyalty, and maybe that means he won't kill people for you any more. Can't have that! You'd have to train someone else and break them into pieces. Way easier to send Rude out here with a sniper rifle. Right!?"
Tseng	To hell with it. Tseng wasn't going to bite his tongue if this child was going to make it her personal mission to tear him apart over the phone. He had just been calling to remind Reno to get his report in on time, damn it. He didn't need this garbage today. Or ever. At all. "There isn't exactly a wealth of Turks to choose from at the moment," he said, and to a trained ear it might actually manage to sound slightly like he was snapping, past all the calm, calculating, somewhat annoyed pitch. "Considering the amount he's told you about his line of work, I can only assume that you're also aware of the current state that Gaia is sitting in, at the moment. We need him here. Not for any assassinations." Yet. "But because him being on that damn island has been nothing but a waste of time since he arrived there."
Rikku	"You know," Rikku said, very, very sweetly, "if you don't want my Blessed Gem, you should send it back already." It wasn't like she had loads of those just lying around or anything.
Tseng	There was a pause, while Tseng opened the drawer on his desk that the gem was tucked away inside. And another pause while he pulled it out and carefully turned it over in his hand. And another still, while he searched for the proper words. "This stone actually casts Holy?"
Rikku	Those words, it would seem, were the proper ones, at just that moment. "Reno said it saved your world, once," she shrugged, feeling strangely self-conscious. "I only had one left, but -- I told him to take it. If Holy really can save your world, then ... you need it more than I do, yeah?"
Tseng	In spite of his best efforts, Tseng suddenly found himself hating Reno's girlfriend - and that was still such an insane concept on his own - less than he had been hating her merely a moment before. "If anything like Meteorfall occurs again," he replied, finding it difficult to keep that angry edge in his voice as he stared at the stone, "it could possibly save the world again." Gaia had developed a most irksome habit of being in desperate need of saving at least once every couple of years. Tseng, being the eternal pessimist, was starting to wonder how long it would be before fate decided to trump the damages caused by Meteor and Holy in order to present them with something even worse. That wasn't so unreasonable, was it?
Rikku	"If it happens again," Rikku said, wondering how far she could trust this Tseng guy. Not very far. Right. Okay, then. "Tell Reno, he'll call me, and I'll go get -- someone, and then you won't have to use the stone at all." Stones were one-time-use only. Might as well save that for a rainy day, right?
Tseng	"That would be appreciated," Tseng said, and his voice was just about as earnest as it had ever been as he carefully placed the gem back into his drawer. "I'll be certain to keep that in mind." It was very difficult to hate someone who was offering to assist with any possible future need to save one's world.
Rikku	"I'm not giving you her name," Rikku said quickly. "I'm not telling you anything about her. I don't trust you and I don't want you just deciding you need to bother her for no good reason. I'm not gonna let you anywhere near her. And if I find out that you're trying to dig up information from Reno then I'm totally taking the offer back, do you understand me?" Look, Tseng wasn't the only one with good reason to be paranoid. And the government had tried to execute Yuna, too.
Tseng	"That would be for the best," Tseng agreed, taking a moment to mentally smack himself for letting his mind wander to other such individuals who had the capacity to cast Holy. The less he knew about this girl's friend, all the better for this girl's friend. It was easier to pretend that the opportunity to take someone into custody just hadn't come about yet when one had no idea who it was they should be keeping an eye on. "I'd rather not know." He wasn't eager to end up on surveillance duty in another world. A church in the slums had at least been easily accessible by taking the Sector One train and a short hike.
Rikku	He sounded ... serious. Like he meant that. Okay, that was weird. She couldn't trust him, but at least he wasn't arguing for Yunie's name or anything. Right, then. "Sorry," she said, almost sheepishly. "I, uh. I don't ... trust you. The government, really, but ... you, either." Not considering what she knew he'd asked Reno to do.
Tseng	"I don't expect you to trust me any more than I trust you," he answered. She could have her reasons not to trust him, and Tseng would have his reasons not to trust her. See, things evened out nicely, that way. "I don't like Reno being on that island. But believe it or not, it isn't entirely about you or any need that might arise to have someone hunted down." That was said with almost the slightest air of humor to it. Granted, it was a black sort of humor, dry and crisp and sharp around the edges. But it held the slightest note of bemusement behind it nevertheless.
Rikku	"I know," Rikku shrugged. "I've been helping him look for energy-stuff. And ... I think it's been good for him. Being here, I mean."
Tseng	Tseng had gone and fallen silent, again. His eyes were closed and his index finger and his thumb were practically a permanent fixture against the bridge of his nose, and he couldn't believe he was going to ask what he was about to ask. "I have work to get back to, seeing as Reno isn't available at the moment. But I don't suppose I can ask one favor of you before I leave you to the... ferret?"
Rikku	"That depends on the favor," she said. Hey, he said it was okay not to trust him. She didn't.
Tseng	"Whatever it is that you've been doing that gives him a reason to breathe when he wakes up in the mornings. Keep doing it." And then he shut his PHS without so much as pausing to wait for a reply. He was almost positive he knew what the answer would be, anyhow.
Rikku	It hit her, somewhere in the gut, and she was still struggling for words when the soft click came across. She closed Reno's phone and stared at it as if it would suddenly spring to life and start explaining things to her. Right. Not gonna happen, even in Fandom.

(preplayed with raspberryturk, who is winsauce. just for reno.)

Comments

[the_merriest]

"But you let it out, sometimes," she said, lifting a shoulder. "I think maybe ... w-with feeling? It's everything or nothing, zoto. You couldn't ... start this, with me, and keep ... not feeling all the rest of it. Just like ... I h-had to ... start feeling everything I lost, with Home, to ... get close to people again. I think ..."

She kissed him, lightly. "Shutting those things off shuts everything off. And you can't work that way, yeah?"

She smiled slightly at the wriggling ferret. "Can, uh, is it okay to let him down?"

[raspberryturk]

"Go on, let Mako down. Chicken's not on the floor, this time."

Reno leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers, shutting his eyes and taking a moment to breathe before he got to the rest of it.

"Gotta feel it, yeah. Bein' with you means I'm livin', and livin' means feelin', and feelin' means that it has this way of always creepin' up and makin' me acknowledge it. I mean... not just it. Lotta things I done that I ain't at all proud of. That one's kinda the one that drowns all that other shit out."

A pause. Short, thoughtful. He had to give her a bit of a squeeze before he let go so that she could put down Mako.

"Stuff like this? Just talkin' and acknowledgin' all of it? That helps. I didn't let myself talk about any of it before. Easier to run and drown in booze and kill myself over it than it was to stop and face it down and admit that... You know."

That he was a heartless mass-murderer and there was no way to make any of what he'd done go away.

[the_merriest]

"That's always easier," she said softly, kneeling to let Mako wriggle to freedom. Freedom, yay!

She shrugged, awkwardly, standing back up. "But it's ... different. I mean. A lot of the stuff I ... don't like to think about ... it's not the same."

Guilt wasn't loss.

[raspberryturk]

Reno watched her straighten up, his own gaze drifting down toward the floor as she did so.

He knew about loss, too.

"No, no, it ain't the same," he replied nevertheless. What were a dozen Turks compared to her home and her people? No friggin' right to even bring them up. Cissnei would have been disgusted if she'd seen where he'd sank to, all for the sake of being a Turk. So the conversation would continue to be about guilt. "Never will be the same. Can't imagine what it must'a been like."

Wasn't his place to wallow, anyhow.

[the_merriest]

"You never had a family," she said, waving a hand dismissively and watching Mako chew on a stray sock. Which meant she wasn't looking at Reno. Coincidence. Really. "I can't imagine what that's like. It's not ..."

She let out a frustrated wordless noise. "This isn't Top That or my pain outranks yours or yours outranks mine or ... Jude once ... got all messed up 'cause some people at this school near his got killed and he was all, hey, I shouldn't be moping to you about it because you lost way more than that and ... it doesn't work like that. I told him. He was hurting, so I wanted to know about it. I wanted to help. That's ... I don't know. Maybe I'm weird."

[raspberryturk]

"Never meant for it to turn into top anything at all," Reno replied, glancing upward only slightly. Eyes on her knees. See. Totally looking at her. "This is shit I shouldn't be sortin' out this way because it's all choices I made and fuckups I could'a avoided."

He'd be dead, sure, but he would have avoided them.

"If it's too much, tell me or somethin'. I'll shut the fuck up, zoto. Ain't really like it's happy conversation or whatever."

He was fully capable of doing that. It involved a little more booze, but it could be arranged. "I mean, shit. If I whined any more, I'd be a baby chocobo or somethin'."

[the_merriest]

That got him a raised eyebrow. "You really don't like making things easy, do you?"

And a frustrated sigh. "Were you even listening? To what I just said? If you're hurt, I want to know about it. It's not whining. It's ... this is major. This is huge. Just because you caused it doesn't make it not hurt. I get that."

[raspberryturk]

"Yeah. Major and huge." He shrugged and glanced off to the side. Looking at the wall totally counted as looking up. "But I don't know where the line gets drawn, either. I mean, you're standin' here goin' you wanna know about it, but this ain't really somethin' you approve of in the first place. And, shit... you got your reasons."

Reno paused, taking a couple of steps in order to reach for the ferret. Now that Mako had been let down, it was time to pick him up and hold him. And it wasn't because Reno wanted to snuggle his fucking ferret, dammit. It was because he could, and that was all there was to it. Honest.

"Half the time, I don't know if talks like this go weird on us because of what it's about, or if it should be about somethin' else, or if you're just bein' nice and tryin' not to fuckin' scream at me because I'm Them. I kinda... can't stop bein' Them. But fuck, Rikku, I told you before if you gotta scream at me, then scream at me. I do listen. Just sometimes, I gotta work on it more'n usual before it makes sense. That don't mean I ain't tryin'. I just don't have much to work with, zoto."

[the_merriest]

Now was a good time for her to go sit down on the other bed in the room. It was all nice and safe and other bed-ish.

"I don't want to scream at you," she said carefully, pulling her feet up so she could hug her knees. "I don't. I want ... I want to put my arms around you and ... make all the horrible bad stuff go away. You never having a family and the rest of it. But some of it ..."

She was looking at her toes. They had bright green nail polish on them. All ten. It was chipping. She should reapply it soon.

"You say I d-don't approve like it's some sort of ... 'shame on you' sort of thing, and not that I just can't ... I can't always hold you and help you when you're grieving over ... things that I can't ... be okay with. I want to. And sometimes I can't. And I don't even know how to say that without sounding like ... dammit, you're gonna ... think I'm saying I don't want to hear about this. I do. I want to help. I mean that. No matter what it takes. But sometimes it's more than I have in me, to do that, and that feels so ugly and petty and selfish, and if I say anything you'll shut off again. So I tell myself to stop that already and if I love you then I should want you to not hurt and I shouldn't be horrible and petty and selfish and I try to stop it. I do. I'm just ..."

She rested her forehead against her knees. "I shouldn't have said anything. Everything's coming out wrong and ..."

[raspberryturk]

"Rikku," he said, quietly and carefully, but with a force of conviction behind it that had hadn't had a moment before, "say all of it. Any of it. Any time. It ain't petty or selfish to not be okay with it. I'm not okay with it. It ain't easy to talk about, and you got... You got so much goin' on that makes it a miracle that you're listenin' at all."

There was a pause.

"That's sayin' a lot. I don't even fuckin' believe in miracles. I just dunno if I should be drawin' a line because you can't or don't or won't do it yourself, when it gets too much. I mean, you probably got so much goin' on, too, and you let it peer out sometimes. I see it. S'my job to see it..."

It was time to let the ferret try to eat his finger. Good boy.

He didn't want to say the rest. It was his job to see it. And then to rip it apart and torture it and drag everything worthwhile out of it and then throw the shredded meat and bones to the coeurls. But damn if he didn't see it.

[the_merriest]

"It's not a miracle," she said, lifting her shoulders. "I love you. You've been through so much. I want to make it better. It's just that ... every now and then, it's hard. Sometimes I think of ..."

Home, which would sound like she was throwing it in his face. Damn. New topic.

"I don't want you ... drawing a line. Any line. I don't want you ... closing off. I guess maybe ... I need to, sometimes, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to say 'I can't, not right now' so that you won't hear 'not ever' or won't think that I ... hate you. I don't. I mean it. And if I mean it when I say I love you, I feel like I shouldn't draw a line, either, but sometimes it ... kinda ... happens, anyway. And I get angry, when it does. At you, but ... maybe more at me for not being good enough at this."

Yuna would have forgiven him, by now. Yuna would hold him while he sobbed and know the right thing to say and not resent any thing he had done in his past. Yuna was pure and good and she was just selfish, but she was trying. She was. Honest.

[raspberryturk]

Reno was quiet for a long moment. Which, really, was only about ten seconds. But any silence seemed like forever at the moment, and another second or two might have seen him finding white hair or watching the universe explode or one of a million things. So it was a long moment.

"You gotta start drawin' the line," he said, finally. "You have to. I mean, maybe if you can't do it, that's for a reason, and you got stuff that's gotta be dealt with too, and it just... never happens. And pushin' the line don't do either of us no good, yoto. Just makes it hard on you and then I start worryin' if it's me bein' Them all over again, and maybe we're... kinda both missin' some huge point, somewhere in all that. I love you, Rikku. And I don't wanna take more'n you can give, and I wanna give back, too. Just gotta tell me where my line is, sometimes."

[the_merriest]

"My stuff is ..." Rikku shook her head. "I'm fine. Your stuff needs to be dealt with. Mine's just pain. Pain's boring. It's ..."

She shrugged. "I'm not someone to just ... hey, I know, let me tell you all about bad stuff that happened to me, and then I'll cry some, and we can both be miserable. There's no point to it. And it makes you think you're Them again, and ... it's over. It happened. It was a long time ago. It's in the past. The end."

Nice and easy that way.

"It's not fair of me, to do that. To get weird like that. I'll stop. I'm trying, anyway."

[raspberryturk]

Reno fell quiet again. Very quiet, and now his lips were pulled into a frown, and he shook his head, slow and deliberate.

"Rikku," he said, and once again his words took on the sort of knowing, certain tone that said he knew damn well what he was talking about, "trust me when I say that there's nothin' more destructive than havin' problems, and then pushing them down and back and gaggin' on 'em like maybe you don't got the right to acknowledge that they're there. Bad stuff happened to you. And it was real bad. So tell me about it and cry, and just the fact that you're openin' up and doin' that is proof enough that I ain't one of Them. Because... I dunno. Somethin' tells me that ain't the sorta thing you'd do with Them."

He bit his tongue for a moment, hard. Let himself feel it. Real pain and real words so that the fog that wanted to cover up his brain wouldn't quite settle in.

"I don't wanna get my blood on you. I dirty everything I touch and all I know how to do is break people. I got no clue how to help you, Rikku. That don't mean I ain't willing to try. I just... I got nowhere to start. So I think maybe if I put myself back together, I got somethin' to work with. But it's all different, and you're not me, zoto."

[the_merriest]

"It wasn't ..." She looked up at him, finally, trying to hold his stare. Hard when his eyes were that sure they were right. "Bad stuff happens. It wasn't any better or any worse than anybody else's. It's just mine. I had a family, and most of them are still alive. I have friends. There are people who don't have either. I don't need to be feeling sorry for myself. There's not enough time in the day for that."

She looked down, suddenly, attention drawn back to the green-painted toes and a bitter laugh. "They never saw me cry. Not when they burned Home, not when they tried to execute me, not ever. Not Them."

Not even when Keyakku was lying dead at her feet.

"I don't ... need help," she said finally. "I don't mean -- I mean, if I did, I'd ... want your help. You do help. You ... I called you, with Mel. Because. I watched her die and I couldn't stop seeing it. I just needed you to be there. I don't need you to do this or not do that or ... I'm okay. I'm not gonna just ... weigh us down with ... hey, remember bad stuff happened to me? Yeah, it still did. Hasn't changed. That's ..."

[raspberryturk]

"I'm not askin' if you need it," came a reply that was every bit as stubborn as his eyes had been. "I'm sayin' it's there when you do. I'm sayin' if you choke it down enough and pretend it ain't there, then you're gonna break. Might just be a little crack, Rikku. But it's there. Now and then, I get to see it. Put enough pressure on a crack, it splits even more."

Put too much pressure on a crack, and you end up with all the information you ever wanted, and then some, all spilling out at once, and that wasn't how Reno wanted to find out about it. Not from Rikku splitting clean into two.

"Everyone's got cracks, you know? Don't make you selfish, fixin' yours when they're about to spread. Or even tellin' me to back off if my cracks are threatenin' to pry yours apart. Or talkin' about 'em at all, if maybe it'll help you."

[the_merriest]

She reached out, then, slim fingers searching for his calloused hand. "I ... had to," she said, carefully. "For a l-long time. It was. When Home was burning ..." Please, please let him not flinch at that. "... we h-had to get underground. You c-can't ... stop and scream and cry if you're trying to keep everyone alive."

Duty called. She had a feeling he'd understand.

She shook her head. "Your cracks are ... y-you ... drink too much. You wanted to die. You stopped caring if you did. That's ... that terrifies me. I never wanted to ... I need to know, because I don't ever want you to ..."

[raspberryturk]

"I won't." Reno didn't flinch. He closed his hand over hers, stroked the back of her thumb with his own. His eyes wandered down to the both of their hands, taking in the sight almost curiously, as though trying to puzzle out how in the world hands that were so small and clean could possibly fit in his. But the blood that was staining his fingers belonged to him, and he couldn't get it on her. And the blood that she'd seen in her lifetime, that wasn't the same as the blood that was on his hands. Not on his hands, not on his head.

So Reno didn't flinch. Not when she took his hand, not when she mentioned Home, not when she said that she couldn't scream or cry.

He might have furrowed his eyebrows a little, when she pointed out that he drank too much. But he'd work on that. There wasn't guilt involved in that expression. Just thoughts. Picking through words and through his head.

He took a breath before he continued, taking a moment to swallow all of that and giving a shake of his head. "I care more'n I used to. Got somethin' to care about, now, zoto. And I don't wanna die. I just wanna be able to live with myself."

He hoped that the difference there would be pretty obvious.

[the_merriest]

"Okay," she said, bringing his hand -- their hands -- to her lips, nuzzling against his skin. Tugging him closer so she could lean her forehead against his torso, if he didn't mind. "You should ... care about you, too. Not just me and Mako and Romeo and ... everyone here. You're ... the things you did, they're not all of you. You're a person who did bad things. That's not ... the same as being ... a bad person."

It could be, but it didn't have to be.

Deep breaths. Okay. The rest of it.

"I'm not ... good at ... sharing," she said, finally. "The cracks just -- they're not there, most of the time, and then they pop out and hit me on the side of the head. I'm not ... I don't feel like I'm hiding, most of the time, I just don't think about it. And then I do and I try to stop thinking about it, and most of the time it works and some times it doesn't and dammit, we were talking about you and you not wanting to breathe when you woke up and then I got crazy on you. I ... I didn't mean to. I swear."

[raspberryturk]

The ferret was getting set down again. Down on the bed or wherever happened to be most convenient, Reno wasn't paying attention, so that he could wrap his free arm around her while he continued holding her hand in his.

"Your crazy moments are just as endearing as your sane ones," Reno decided, pressing his face into her hair and breathing her in. "Except maybe a little more confusing. Worth pickin' through. Maybe... next time, if tryin' to stop thinkin' about it won't work, find me? Ain't like I'm impossible to get in touch with."

There was a pause.

"I'll even start carryin' my phone with me everywhere, in case you actually do take me up on that offer sometime, yo."

[the_merriest]

"Your phone," Rikku said, laughing faintly. "I'm so sorry. I really, really am. I won't ever answer it again. I promise."

If she tugged a little, would he sit down next to her, so she could cuddle into his arms?

"What about you?" she asked. "When do your cracks start ... messing with you?"

[raspberryturk]

If she was going to tug like that, then he was absolutely going to take the opportunity to sit down beside her so that cuddling could actually occur. And damn it, cuddles with Rikku were good cuddles.

"Whenever the hell they get the chance. And more often than that, on Wednesdays."

There was just something about Wednesdays, damn it.

"And don't worry about the phone. I'll just start changin' ringtones or somethin', yo. Won't happen again."

No, chances were slim that he'd actually change his ringtone.

[the_merriest]

"What are you doing on Wednesdays?" Rikku asked, frowning a little as she mulled it over. "Is that when your reports are due?"

This was cozy, even on the spare bed. Cuddles weren't prejudiced against spare beds. They could be had on any convenient mattress.

"It's ... late, for me," she said. "I mean. It's not often. Just. Sometimes whenever you ... can't sleep, you know?"

[raspberryturk]

"Last semester, Wednesdays was the ravin' royals class with Ghanima? I dunno if I ever talked to you about that one. Was a class about people in power who just kinda happened to be insane." He shrugged a little. "Good teacher, yo. If you never took one of her classes, I say do it. Makes you think."

Just sometimes, thinking was hard.

"Late nights are the worst," he continued, nodding a little and giving her a bit of a squeeze. "Somethin' about 'em, I dunno. I'd say it was about the dark, but late nights were pretty bad even back before Midgar came down. Quieter, maybe. Sometimes, the quiet grows teeth and gnaws at you."

Or maybe it was just Reno. But here, have words.

[the_merriest]

Rikku shook her head. "I don't think I did," she said. "I'll remember that. I kinda like classes like that, you know?"

Words were handy. It was way better now that they were using them, instead of walling off at each other.

"I think it's ..." Rikku bit her lip. "Sometimes, when you're up and other people are asleep, it's kinda ... it feels like you're the only one alive in the whole world. And you can't go bother anybody or go take a walk or any number of things, 'cause it's 3 am, and so it kinda starts ... looping around on itself all strange. You start thinking weird things and can't stop."