the_merriest | The Way Back to 429, Post-Vortex

Another small hand in his.

The one that Reno was most used to finding his fingers curling around.

He gave a little nod, and licked his lips, and looked downward, to where he was making a fist overtop of Rikku's. Possibly, he was never going to let go.

He'd done too damn much letting go, tonight.

She twined her fingers through his. "It s-seems cruel. Here, let me show you things you can't keep. Little ones that call you Mommy and th-they can't stay. It seems ... horrible and awful and ..."

Reno... couldn't argue with that.

It was cruel. Cruel and sick and twisted and wrong that they'd never know how those children were doing on the other side, and they might never see them again, themselves. And maybe that was all the real family some of them were ever going to have, and it left a bad taste in Reno's mouth.

"They were family," Reno agreed. Because... that was the important part, in his head, at that moment. "All of 'em."

"All of them," she echoed, a little distantly. "My two and your four. Family."

There was a stray note in there that seemed off.

Reno caught that note and chewed on it for a moment, and then looked up at her again.

"Still somethin' else," he muttered, "ain't there?"

"Doesn't matter," she said, untwining her fingers from his. "Just ... tired, and sad. Hard to do this all over again." She lifted a shoulder, not meeting his eyes.

Reno's lips pulled into a different sort of frown.

"If that was all," he noted, looking back down at his now-empty fingers, "you'd still be holdin' my hand."

Every now and then, Reno actually used his powers of observation.

Dammit.

"Maybe you're right," she shrugged. "Maybe it's just all a little much. Maybe it's different this time around. You know, I think you got off light. I mean, I've had three kids, and I've only even slept with two people."

Ah.

"This is about Cissney and Riina?" Reno frowned. And then he shook his head. "Or Dojima and Jenny? Rikku, it ain't gonna happen. I mean it. I got no interest in 'em. Never will."

"You know," she said softly, "Jude and I ... we had Bayla. And that was it, for either of us. Maybe our future was just ... set. Maybe yours and mine isn't the same way. But you can't say no interest, I mean, those were your kids. And besides, you were interested before, at least with Jenny. I guess I didn't realize, if we crashed and burned, that you'd ..."

Do not ask him what he did, while you were split up. Because it doesn't matter; you were split up. You broke up with him, he had every right. Right. Okay.

"I'd what? Rikku, I didn't do anything with anyone, when we were on the outs." He ran a hand through his hair. Okay. He required a smoke and booze later tonight. He'd given his smokes to one of the kids, so that was out. Heck. Maybe he wasn't up for booze, either.

Something.

"I wouldn't. Why the hell would I? We weren't us, but that didn't mean I decided to run off and fuck the first chick that came by with a pair of legs, either."

"Right. You'd never do something like that." She gave him a sharp look. "You tried to pick me up during work that one time, you wandered off with Jenny after radio with a quick 'hey, wanna screw?' but my gosh, you're suddenly against the whole casual sex thing. Right?"

What the fuck?

"Rikku. I did not. Sleep. With anyone."

This was going to be maybe another one of those nights. He wasn't in the mood to yell, at least. So maybe he'd just repeat himself until some of it stuck. Right-o.

"I used to be into that kinda' thing. And now I got no need for it. Why should I? I happen to be pretty damn happy with the girl I got."

"And we were split up for a month and I wasn't even talking to you. That kinda changes things." She waved dismissively. "Forget it. It doesn't matter. Whatever happened before us, if anything happened when we were split up, it doesn't matter. I'm just tired and not myself tonight and I'm sick of meeting little ones just to say good-bye and never see them again. I can't do this any more."

"And you think it was so damn easy for me to walk the only blood family I ever had that was worth mentionin' to a big freakin' vortex to let 'em go somewhere I can't ever see 'em again?" Reno was taking deep breaths. Nice, deep, calming breaths.

"I love you, Rikku. That wasn't a new freakin' development when I told you for the first time." He lifted a shoulder, shook his head, and looked at the ground. "Lied to you about a lot of shit. What I do for a living, who I work for, how bad it gets. But that ain't somethin' I'd lie to you about. I'm fuckin' sick of lyin', zoto."

"All you do is lie!" Rikku exploded. "'I work for an electric company.' 'I never slept with Jenny.' 'I don't date.' 'I'm a gofer.' And the shit you don't lie about, you never bother to tell me! I don't know why you trust Tseng, because I think he'd put a bullet in some kid's head to keep the Company's reputation. One kid versus the loyalty of two of his underlings, who'll never know about it? It's not like that'd be a new low for him! And I don't know why you pretend how many people you've slept with, gosh, that's not a big thing at all, but you and Dojima like to tease me because I'm not any good at it. I don't say the words right and I don't know you can do some things and I'm glad that's so funny, and why don't you find someone who's better at it, then? And I know what Ruba and Payido mean, in Al Bhed, but every time you say Cissney you flinch, and you're never gonna tell me that, either."

She exhaled, noisily, and rubbed her eyes. "Forget it. There's just too much. Okay? And now I have to worry about those dossiers you turned over, and whether that makes me a target, and I can't do this."

Oh. Okay. That was- Huh. Fantastic. Alright, then.

He was going to take another breath. And hold it. For a minute or two, really, before talking. Because if he started to speak otherwise, he'd be yelling back. And if he started yelling, he'd start losing it, and he was so, so not up for losing it any more than he already had, tonight.

"ShinRa really was an electric company. They just wound up so freakin' rich and influential, they turned into the actin' government at the time. It was the safe way to say it, Rikku. I came here doin' covert ops. Everybody got the same story, including you." Okay. One down.

A... er. A lot more to go.

"I got no interest in Jenny. I never had any interest in Jenny. Jenny and I do radio, and then we annoy the shit out of one another, and then we get drunk, annoy each other more, and that's that. That's me an' Jenny. Radio co-hosts. We work together. I don't screw the coworkers."

Two down.

"Doji and I act that way around you because we think it's cute. And not, ha-ha, fuckin' funny, pat you on the head and give you a cookie cute. I mean cute like, when you blush like that, I wanna wrap my arms around you and take you off somewhere and fuckin' kiss it better, and I can stop, okay? I won't say nothin' about any of it anymore, if you don't like it. Got plenty of opportunity to see you blush anyhow, don't gotta press for it, fine. And- Dating? Rikku, I didn't date. I got no experience with relationships more meaningful than a one-night stand or my employment to the company. The word 'dating' scared the crap outta me, Rikku. And it wasn't that I didn't want to. It was that I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and- we been through this. This and 'gofer' and you don't know nothin' about Tseng, either, okay. I trust him. I trust him with my life, and the life of any kid that's got Turk blood in 'em."

He was going to have to stop, again, to breathe. "I can explain all of the rest of it- Why I trust Tseng, the dossiers, Cissnei--"

He trailed off, there. Said it wrong. Said it right. Okay.

What a night.

"You lied to everyone. That doesn't make it any less of a lie." She looked up. "And you said it, on radio. Let's go have sex, or whatever. Is that just another of your jokes that I don't get? And she said the same thing, that it's just, hey, you're cute when you blush, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm the butt of the joke. I told you I'm not any good at this. It's not nice to tease me for it."

She folded her arms. "Tseng told you to drop the plate. Didn't he? He sold out for ShinRa a long time ago. Now he knows where to find me and you're associating with dangerous anti-government elements and you're gonna tell me I worry too much, that ShinRa wouldn't do anything like that, because ... why, again? Where's this nice moral code that ShinRa sticks to? The one that says Rede's safe with your boss, the one who could be calling up Verona and asking if they want to know where Romeo is?"

"You're right. I lied to everyone. And everyone who doesn't know, I'm gonna keep lyin' to. Because the day it comes out all over school who I work for, that's the day I get the order to go back to Edge, and-" Fuck. "And I don't want to, because maybe this place is home, now, and maybe I wanna graduate, and maybe I don't wanna have to leave you behind." Fuck. "Or whatever. Jenny and I are 'or whatever,' and we say shit, and that's that. I got no interest in Jenny or Doji, nothin' worth even mentioning. Ciss- and Ruba ain't never gonna happen, any more than Payido is."

He paused, eyed her for a moment, and then shook his head.

"I trust you and Romeo enough that the thought didn't even cross my mind you two might'a gone and done anything after you dumped me. But if this is the conclusion you're drawin' from those two, then I gotta wonder where you're pullin' it from. Did you and Romeo-" ... "I mean, wouldn't even be mad or nothin'. Doji might wanna know what you're doin' with her man, is all."

And. Okay. More. Still talking. It's good.

"It wasn't supposed to feel like you were a joke. I... I didn't mean it that way, if it did. I think you're plenty good at it, Rikku. Shit, one of the best. If you don't want me to think you're cute, sure, I can stop. I just- when you blush and you fidget like that, it's damn attractive, and I don't know why. I can stop."

And then, another long pause.

"The rest of it- I'll tell you all of it, if you wanna hear me out, and stop throwin' in assumptions, and, I dunno. Okay, I dunno. ShinRa ain't the Turks. It ain't. He wouldn't tell me to drop the plate for ShinRa. He'd tell me to do it, because if I don't, then they kill me. Not him. ShinRa. Who ain't the Turks. It's complicated. That don't mean I don't wanna tell you."

Edited 2008-04-29 17:19 (UTC)

She looked at him for a long moment, and then sighed. "Okay. Yeah. I wondered. But that's because ... if you're really saying you never did, with Jenny, I'll believe you. But ... I thought you had, and then hey, some universe where we don't work out, you got back together with her, and it ... made me wonder. That's all. I'd never ... all I did was miss you. Kissing someone else would've never even occurred to me, it's not the point. Nothing happened. I just ... wish I didn't feel stupid and insecure and ..."

"Most of it's complicated, with us." She was chewing on her lower lip, now. "And Rede's yours, not mine, I have no business ... a-acting like this."

I love you too, Mom. She tried not to wince.

He stopped walking, there. Turned to her and reached for her hand again.

"It's just you, Rikku. It's gonna stay that way. I mean that."

And then his eyes drifted to his shoes again.

"He was more yours than mine, I think. I don't think he ever saw me as anything but a senior Turk. An'... maybe that's for the best. He gets the hugs from you and the orders from me, because nobody who really cared about him should be tellin' him to-"

...

"If he doesn't get in touch with me, over there, he's got Rude. And Rude'll bust down fuckin' walls to get him out. And Tseng'll call in a freakin' airstrike if he's gotta. I mean... They probably got bits of him cultivatin' in there. Or of... Cissnei. That's," breath, "that's Turks. All of those kids, they're Turks. Not ShinRa. Fuck the fuckin' company. Those kids are ours."

"We had to," she said quickly. "It's self-defense, it's his life or Hojo's, and are you sure this Hojo's dead? Can't we go kill him again and make sure? Can you call Tseng and ask him ... I don't know. To check records? Something? Anything?"

Her brain caught up to her ears, and she clasped her fingers around his. "Cissnei," she said, catching the subtle pronunciation shift. "She was a Turk? One of the ones ..."

He'd said Avalanche had taken out most of them, some dark summon, they never came home again.

"Hojo's dead, but I'll be tellin' Tseng about this, in detail, just in case..." In case there's some little Rede here who has no hope of ever...

"It was Tseng's first assignment as head of the Turks. Him, Rude, and Me, we had to go and help our commanding officer, who was on the run from ShinRa, fake his own death. The rest, they were gonna save the world. Tseng's been walkin' on glass with the rest of us since. He and Cissnei were... close. She was... a good Turk."

"The worst part about saving the world is the body count," Rikku said, very softly, squeezing his hand. "I bet she was. You have to tell me about her, some time."

There was a pause, while she weighed whether or not to go further.

"So why did he need dossiers? If it wasn't to ... m-make sure you weren't, you know. Involved with an anti-government agent and things like that." Which. He kinda was. "It's not like he'd look at it and go, hey, that's awesome, keep dating her, this is a fabulous idea. Right? I mean, that's why you didn't ... tell him, isn't it?"

"I didn't tell him because I didn't think you were any of his business." Reno lifted a shoulder. "You were mine, and not compromising the assignment any, so I figured, he didn't have to know."

He shrugged a shoulder. "And then I vanished on him for weeks, and when I get in touch with him again, it's with an 'oops, sorry boss, defied a direct order not to get involved with the angels.' And..." Sigh. "He just wants to know what it is that I care about enough, it's worth dyin' for. He's lost enough of us on his watch already, Rikku. He don't care where your from, or what you did, and he doesn't give a fuck how you affect ShinRa. Just if maybe you're affectin' me somehow."

He paused, and then shook his head.

"Haven't sent him anything that actually said anything, anyhow. Didn't think you'd like him knowin' about you, but if I don't do it, he'll look, or he'll have Rude look. I dunno."

Edited 2008-04-29 18:14 (UTC)

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