MHA #1, Friday Evening

[the_merriest]

Rikku was okay. She was. She was back on the island with her Reno-person and their pets. And Reno didn't seem okay, and she wasn't sure she knew how to help, because it felt lately like they were talking _past_ each other, and nothing seemed to help. Maybe she was doing it wrong. It was okay, though. She'd just do it better. Whatever it was.

She was trying not to think about how he'd been out late, lately. She'd been proud when she showed Tseng that there wasn't a pile of liquor in the fridge, but that didn't mean he wasn't, say, stopping for an hour or three at the bar.

It was all the stress. So she was going to ... help with the stress. Somehow. And be cheery and helpful and ... somehow, that was going to fix everything. It had to.

Oh, hey, a letter! One from Yunie. See, this wouldn't be a bad day. Yunie would write some cheerful story and Rikku would laugh and it'd be all okay.

Except ...

Except this wasn't a ... cheerful letter. And phrases were swimming, like I wouldn't ask and please, Rikku, you're the only one who can and please let me know soon. Dutiful, polite, and sorry to impose, because ... because asking her to go back there, well, gee, it'd be hard, but that was okay. It was for the Good of Everyone, and Yuna cared about the Good of Everyone, so obviously, Rikku should, too. So personal feelings were silly and should be ignored. Right? Right.

Hardly realizing she was doing it, Rikku crumpled up the letter into a ball and threw it against the wall. A moment later, she picked up a vase and threw that, flinching at the sound it made when it broke.

One sob escaped before she had a hand over her eyes. Crying? No. Not now. Get it together.

She just ... needed a minute. Then she'd be okay again. Soon. Really.

(just for her turk. this one has nothing to do with fun phone-day antics and everything to do with some messiness that's been bubbling up, zomg. Warning: the conversation below will probably touch on some of Reno's drinking issues, so if that's going to be triggery, please stay away.)

Comments

[raspberryturk]

Reno damn near stood straight up at that and yelled. Damn. Friggin'. Near.

"She wants to drag you back there?!"

Give him a moment. He was trying to kill a summoner with his brain.

[the_merriest]

Rikku closed her eyes. "She .............. there were attacks. On the excavations. She said she was sorry to a-ask. She wasn't there ..... sh-she wasn't there when it ........... they took her out, first. She didn't see ........"

She had to have known it was bad. There had been Al Bhed guarding the Sanctum. Isaaru said that they had protected the Summoners with their lives. There had been fire and death, down there, even if that was well before all of Home had crumbled.

She felt so tired.

"I can't do it," she said. "I have to. But I can't."

[raspberryturk]

Reno knew. Reno knew what that request was, to Rikku. That request was him, doing rounds of Midgar because he was a local. But with less guilt and more...

Fuck, Reno didn't even know what.

"Don't," he said, simply. "There are other Al Bhed, Rikku. Maybe some that weren't right there when the world fell apart. It ain't just unfair of her to ask that of you, it's fuckin' sick."

[the_merriest]

Rikku was staring at the floor. "I haven't been back there," she said. "Not since. Maybe I should go back. I c-could ..."

She shook her head again. "I could go back," she said. "But n-not with her. Because I'd have to ... pretend it was okay, because she'd be worried, and I wouldn't want to upset her, and so I'd have to act normal so she wouldn't feel bad, and I don't ........"

She had nearly said 'I don't think I can', but that wasn't true, and maybe that was okay to say.

"I don't want to," she said. There was something terrifying about saying that. And freeing.

She glanced over at Reno. "Have you ever ........ I m-mean. Midgar? Have you?"

[raspberryturk]

Reno's smile was thin as he nodded, just a little.

"Patrollin', lookin' for monsters. Lookin' for survivors. Lookin' for bodies. Yeah, I done that. Part of the job, in Edge. I mean, ain't the same, you can't go too far in for the Mako, but... I wouldn't wish goin' back on anybody, zoto."

You couldn't find Sector Five anymore, for all the ruins. Not that he was particularly fond of it, but... That was where he'd grown up, so.

"If you ever did go back... I mean, if you ever wanted to... You know you don't gotta pretend to be fine for me, babe. I'd understand."

[the_merriest]

Back to the floor again.

"No," she said. "I'm not ... you have enough to deal with. The last thing you need is me being weird at you."

[raspberryturk]

"No," Reno corrected, "last thing I need is a cactuar in my pants. You bein' weird at me ain't all that bad."

That was helpful, Reno. Good show.

"Besides, I'm dealin' with my garbage. And I can put it on hold for a bit in order to help the girl I care about deal with hers, yo."

[the_merriest]

Rikku shivered. "You're ... not okay," she said. "You aren't. You've been out late again. And I'm not ............. helping."

[raspberryturk]

Reno shrugged right back. "I ain't really askin' for it."

For help.

[the_merriest]

Rikku huffed. "So it shouldn't bother me?" she said. "It's all eating at you and I think everything I say is wrong. I don't know what to do. I worry and I don't say anything because I don't know what to say and I ... it's getting weird. And I d-d-don't like the ... way it's getting weird."

[raspberryturk]

"... Weird?" Reno... didn't have much else to say, really. He managed, at least, to look somewhat chagrined, but now the topic of conversation had gone from how Yuna was upsetting Rikku to how he was, and that was... that was a different matter completely.

[the_merriest]

Rikku studied his face for a long moment. "You d-don't ... think it's weird? With us?"

Maybe it was all in her head? Please?

[raspberryturk]

Reno opened his mouth to reply. And then... kind of... faltered. And lifted his shoulder a little. And looked at the floor.

"Maybe it is."

That hurt to say, right there.

[the_merriest]

Rikku closed her eyes, like she could make that somehow not have happened. Except. Better to know. Wasn't it?

"Y-you've been at the bar."

It wasn't an accusation. Just ... to let him know she knew.

[raspberryturk]

Reno couldn't deny that, either. Much as he wished he could. Fuck, he was a Turk. Spitting out the lie and making it believable would be simple enough. It was something he'd been doing for years.

"Off-island," he said, instead, "most of the time. To keep it off radio."

[the_merriest]

Rikku nodded, again.

"You don't ...." She hesitated. "So I won't find out?"

There was ... something sweet in that, if twisted.

[raspberryturk]

Reno shrugged a bit, but he wasn't going to backtrack on this 'honesty' thing, now that he'd started the train down the track toward the cliff where the rails let out.

"Mostly that," he agreed. "Part so the students don't see me at it. This island don't need more of my shit than it's already got over the years, zoto."

[the_merriest]

Rikku nodded, tugging her feet up to the edge of the couch so she could hug her knees.

"You're bottling," she said.

That wasn't an accusation, either. She'd have to be a massive hypocrite to be upset with him about that.

[raspberryturk]

"I do that," Reno replied, shrugging again, awkwardly re-claiming his arm so that he could cross his over his chest. "No sense feelin' it all the time. Ain't gonna get better anytime soon, anyhow."

He glanced sideways at her.

"Anyhow, I'm not the only one here who does that, am I?"

[the_merriest]

Rikku stared at the floor before sighing, with a bitter kind of amusement.

"We're doing it again," she said. "Right now. You're closing off, and I'm closing off, and why can't we just ..."

Just what? Be honest with each other? That was terrifying, the idea of just opening her mouth and letting words come spilling out. Ones that could actually tell how she was feeling, and not leave her room to hide behind.

"I d-don't want to lose you," she said, in a small, tiny voice that hardly sounded like her at all.

[raspberryturk]

Reno winced a bit. He hated hearing those words, not because he didn't want her to want to keep him, but because it meant admitting that there could be some danger of it in the first place. His track record for keeping people he cared about lately didn't seem to be so hot.

"I'm not goin' nowhere," he tried, a little lamely, pulling his arms even more tightly across his chest than before. Because hugging the fuck out of himself was totally what was necessary here to prove that he was staying put, certainly.

[the_merriest]

Rikku didn't ... know how to take that. She hugged herself a little tighter.

"I d-d-don't ...." She hesitated. "I d-d-don't know what ..... what you want."

Or what he was so afraid of.

[raspberryturk]

"I want you," Reno replied, not even bothering to pause to think about that. "And... Fuck, I don't know. It's just..."

He twitched a shadow of something that wished it was a smile.

"I ain't pullin' it together. I know I'm not. I'm tryin' and tryin' and the more I try the more I fuck it up and I don't wanna be that asshole that brings it all home so I just... take it somewhere else so you don't gotta worry about it no more. And here I go, worryin' you anyhow."

[the_merriest]

It only took a few moments for the absurdity of the situation to strike Rikku, and she clapped a hand over her mouth as a stream of giggles poured out.

"So ... so you're ... keeping it from me, and I'm k-keeping it all from you, so we don't ... bother each other?" she asked, offering him a wry smile. She hoped he wouldn't mistake this for her laughing at him, but from the way her eyes were a bit misty again, that was unlikely. "Wow. We, uh. We're doing great at th-this. We'll have the p-perfect relationship if we never h-have to be in the same room."

[raspberryturk]

Hey, their relationship had gone beautifully when he was in Edge and she was in Spira. When they'd managed to get in contact with one another, they had been the shmoopiest pair in the multiverse!

And Reno had hated every second of being so far removed from her.

"Ain't nobody out there better at this relationship thing than we are, is there?" He wasn't quite managing that smile, anymore. "I mean, we're the ones with the stupid rings, right? What do they got?"

Communication skills, perhaps.