Outside Room 429, Late Tuesday (After Radio)

[the_merriest]

Okay. So. She'd tried sleeping some, last night. Got some sleep. Not much.

He sounded like hell on the radio; she felt like hell, right about now.

So Rikku was going to sit, hugging her knees, by door 429.

(for he whose door was modded with permission. note: this conversation gets kinda serious, touching on his drinking issues, so viewer discretion is advised.)

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[raspberryturk]

"I don't know," Reno admitted, his gaze settling on the door across the hall. "I don't know if I have a job anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life if I don't. I don't know... I don't..." Ugh, words. "Look, it's... I had it out with the presi-- With Rufus. And he told me he wanted to rebuild, and I said, 'fuck that,' and he called me property, and I threatened to flatten him, and it kinda ended on the sorta note where I'm pretty sure I'm in deep friggin' shit if I ever go back, and I don't know."

He didn't. Really.

"I don't."

[the_merriest]

"I don't either," she said. "I almost lost you. This weekend. But last night, you said you didn't quit your job. And even if you did, they'd come after you. So why are we ... talking about a future, if you keep ... saying you don't have one? Why ... why did you tell me you'd take forever, if it showed up, and then ... not?"

She made a frustrated noise. "That one's stupid. You said it because you knew it was safe. Would never happen, anyway. Right?"

[raspberryturk]

Reno wasn't going to flinch. Flinching would be showing weakness. Weakness meant she'd know how hard that had hit him, right in his gut. Reno wasn't going to flinch.

"I said it 'cause I meant it."

Maybe he should be standing up, now. Yeah. Standing up and shoving his hands into his pockets. Didn't drink enough, tonight. Could do that. Or maybe just sleep. Or call Tseng and figure out what the hell was up anyhow.

Or cry.

"Last night, I said I didn't know what was goin' on. I don't. Afraid to look. Might explode in my face or somethin'. Finds a way. All the time."

[the_merriest]

"So what am I supposed to do?" she said. It was very faint, and it was probably muffled by her knees. "I ... told Romeo that. That I was scared to talk to you, 'cause I didn't want to know yet. Because ... it was gonna be bad news. It had to be."

It had never been anything else. Not with his job, his boss, his world.

[raspberryturk]

"S'not bad news. It's no news. It's... maybe it's a maybe. But it isn't just... nothing. It ain't no."

He shook his head and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes. Breathing. Breathing was important.

Gonna get into his room and break out the tequila. Yeah.

"I'm not gonna... make you just... wait for this. I mean. If you can't. If you're scared. You don't have to be all..."

All of the tequila.

"You don't have to pretend to be okay with this. I don't want that."

[the_merriest]

"I don't even know what this is," she said. "You didn't quit, except you sort of did but you can't say that, and you sort of didn't, and you don't know for sure, and the next time, maybe we won't show up in time, and I'll never hear from you again and that'll be the only way I know. Gaia's dangerous, and on top of that, nobody lasts long, as a Turk. But you'd rather be a dead Turk than ..."

Alive, and hers. That was what it came down to, wasn't it?

[raspberryturk]

"What do you want me to do?"

It was tired. Empty. Kind of hollow.

It was words.

Maybe it wasn't an argument. He didn't know, anymore, what he was supposed to be doing, now.

[the_merriest]

"Nothing," she said. She stood up, dusting her shorts off, even though they were perfectly fine. "Would it matter? You're theirs. I've always known that. I just don't know if there's room for anything else."

[raspberryturk]

"Oh."

Not gonna snap. Not gonna break. Held it together all damn weekend. Did what he had to do. Kept his head on right.

Not gonna crumble. Not now.

"Nothing."

Not gonna.

"No room. For. Right."

Not until he was in his room with the door shut behind him.

[the_merriest]

"Okay," she said. He wasn't even going to deny it. She'd ... leave. It seemed like the best plan. She pushed off the wall and ... stopped. Dammit. Not sure how to ...

"If you're supposed to ... keep me under surveillance, or ... something like that." Like come after her, say. "Will you ... do I get a warning?"

[raspberryturk]

"If I'm supposed to, I won't anyhow."

Didn't give Tseng a report. Didn't dump her. Didn't leave the island just because the boss was throwing a snit about her. Sure as hell wasn't going to do 'something like that.'

"Not like they have any reason to keep an eye on you anyhow, zoto."

[the_merriest]

"Your boss might be kinda upset," she said, dryly. "After that whole ... you know."

She glanced over at him. "... Nobody told you?"

[raspberryturk]

Reno was pretty sure that he was lost in a daze, now. That would explain a great deal.

"... No?"

No, nobody had told him anything. Which was maybe why his head hurt so much right now.

"Told me what?"

[the_merriest]

"Pulled a gun," she said. It sounded flat. Dead. "Was gonna kill him. Didn't."

Kinda sucked at that.

[raspberryturk]

...

There were words coming out of Rikku's mouth now that Reno was pretty certain he was hallucinating. Maybe? He had to be. Because.

... Because he just... did.

"You... did? On who? What?"

This was going... Badly. Wrong. It was wrong. Everything was inside-out and nothing was supposed to be like this.

"Are you okay?"

It was a stupid question, and he knew it. But it was words, sane words, some grasp of maybe normal conversation and inside-out had turned into upside-down, and it was working on somersaults, next.

[the_merriest]

"The President," she said. "After. It was."

She shrugged. "'M fine. Nobody was ... he never ... it was never gonna be him. So I was gonna say it should be. This time. And Tseng ... y'know. Got all. Whatever. So I didn't."

[raspberryturk]

She'd pulled a gun on Rufus and Tseng stopped it.

Which was... good. Because Rikku shooting at Shinra would be bad. Because it would mean no Rikku. Which was very not good. And.

And.

Wrong. All wrong. Last week had been perfect and they were going to go to homecoming together and there was talk about maybe Spira and chocobos and they were laughing at their stupid pets and and and and he just.

Couldn't.

Had to just. Talk. But there weren't words. So he.

His arms were around her and he was crumbling. Swore he wouldn't. Lied. Crying into her shoulder. Feeling like an idiot. Feeling dead.

[the_merriest]

She ... hadn't ... expected ... okay, she hadn't known what to expect, or if he'd yell at her or be angry or freak out and ...

She buried her face against his shirt and tried like hell not to start sobbing. "I'm sorry," she said. "I ... I'm ..."

[raspberryturk]

He was mumbling words, over and over again, and he wasn't entirely certain what they were because he was too busy trying not to break down entirely and he was failing. So he just gave in, and he cried, and while he was crying he could listen to himself, muttering again, "I'm sorry," and "I love you," and "so tired," and "Not goin' back, can't go back, I'm sorry."

He wasn't going to let go. Couldn't.

[the_merriest]

And now she was crying, because he was clinging to her and falling apart and ... and ... she couldn't breathe.

"Couldn't ... help it, it was, you were ... you were gone. You were gone, and and and he's evil and he was never going t-to ... h-he ... it sh-should've been him and I ... please don't ... i-i-if you hate me ..."

[raspberryturk]

That just meant that he was going to have to squeeze her more tightly, and make a pathetic, kind of sniffling attempt at choking back the sobs that were breaking through, and when the hell had he gotten so damn soft, anyhow? He was a Tu--

He was.

He...

"S'good you didn't. Means you're safe. And... And. S'just... S'you and... Yeah."

He hoped, hoped, hoped that she understood what he was trying to get at, this time. Wasn't about Rufus. Wasn't. Reno didn't give a shit about Rufus. Didn't have to, anymore. Man was standing, man was healthy, if Reno could be done with it, he would be.

Rikku meant so, so much more than that.

[the_merriest]

"We should ... inside," she managed, stepping back and wiping her face with her arm. "Not here. Inside. Talk? S-... something?"

Because she couldn't breathe, and couldn't stay standing, and her heart was breaking all over again, and she had thought it was just dead and ... inside? Please?

[raspberryturk]

"Inside," Reno agreed. Inside was good. Inside meant he wasn't making an idiot of himself in the hallway for anyone to see if they walked by. Inside was- key. He'd need that. Okay. Key got. Inside was.

That.

He opened the door and glanced at her, biting his lip a little. Maybe if he could pretend not to notice the stale smoke in the air, the emptied bottles, and the cigarette butts littered around the room, she wouldn't notice them, either.

"Inside?"

[the_merriest]

"Inside," she agreed. Noticing the smoky, dead taste. Noticing the empty bottles. Feeling her heart break more for them. Wondering if it would be rude to open the window, to let some fresh air in. Better just to sit down, on his bed, rubbing at her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to get her composure back together. "For ... I just ... didn't want him to ... get away with it. It's not fair. Nothing's ever fair. And I didn't do it, anyway, I don't know why I didn't, and I don't know why it bugs me that I wanted to, and I don't know why it bugs me that I ... when I woke up, you were gone. Off getting orders. And. We packed, 'cause ..."

[raspberryturk]

"Cause you couldn't stay forever, even if maybe I could'a been."

Reno nodded and shut his door behind him, glancing around the room, and then letting his eyes settle somewhere around his toes.

"I think you're better'n that. Than shootin' someone in cold blood like that. It's... It wouldn't be you, I don't think. S'what scares me. Not about Rufus. S'about you. Rufus can go fuck himself."

No. Really. He could. All he wanted. Reno didn't care, anymore.