the_merriest | Outside Room 429, Late Tuesday (After Radio)

"Still a matchin' set. I don't know what you want, either."

Reno drew another deep breath, and leaned a little to rest his forehead on his knees.

"Could'a broken in. I bet Mako would'a loved the company. He was all lonely this weekend. You know. Ferrets."

This, of course, totally explained everything.

"We'd really match if you didn't know what you wanted, either," she said, glancing over at him. "What do you want? I can barely get my head around what I don't want, except everything keeps canceling out."

"I want..." Reno mulled over that for a moment, his face still pressed into his knees. And then he shrugged his shoulders and straightened his posture just enough to shake his head. "I wanna know what you don't want, maybe. 'Cause it's pretty clear that I keep findin' ways to mess that all up. I wanna... stop doin' that. Messin' you up."

That got a long sigh.

"I dug you out," she said. "You ... went to go save the world. Next time, it'll be another mission. Next time, maybe I won't even know for sure. And you'd still ..."

She bit her lip. Not going to say that.

"I'd still?"

So she wasn't going to say it. That didn't mean Reno didn't want to understand it.

"What happened this weekend kinda doesn't fall under the hood of 'routine mission,' Rikku. I mean... you kinda get this kinda thing, sometimes, just by goin' to my planet. This wasn't... all a Turks thing. Was a Midgar thing. Edge thing. Thing."

Thing.

"Spira thing," she echoed. "Scary bad guys and saving the world. It's what happens. People die."

She shrugged. "More so if they're Turks. Right? That's ... what you've been saying from the start. You don't have very long. If it's not world-saving, it'll be something else. I should ... get used to it. Right?"

"I don't know," Reno admitted, his gaze settling on the door across the hall. "I don't know if I have a job anymore. I don't know what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life if I don't. I don't know... I don't..." Ugh, words. "Look, it's... I had it out with the presi-- With Rufus. And he told me he wanted to rebuild, and I said, 'fuck that,' and he called me property, and I threatened to flatten him, and it kinda ended on the sorta note where I'm pretty sure I'm in deep friggin' shit if I ever go back, and I don't know."

He didn't. Really.

"I don't."

"I don't either," she said. "I almost lost you. This weekend. But last night, you said you didn't quit your job. And even if you did, they'd come after you. So why are we ... talking about a future, if you keep ... saying you don't have one? Why ... why did you tell me you'd take forever, if it showed up, and then ... not?"

She made a frustrated noise. "That one's stupid. You said it because you knew it was safe. Would never happen, anyway. Right?"

Reno wasn't going to flinch. Flinching would be showing weakness. Weakness meant she'd know how hard that had hit him, right in his gut. Reno wasn't going to flinch.

"I said it 'cause I meant it."

Maybe he should be standing up, now. Yeah. Standing up and shoving his hands into his pockets. Didn't drink enough, tonight. Could do that. Or maybe just sleep. Or call Tseng and figure out what the hell was up anyhow.

Or cry.

"Last night, I said I didn't know what was goin' on. I don't. Afraid to look. Might explode in my face or somethin'. Finds a way. All the time."

"So what am I supposed to do?" she said. It was very faint, and it was probably muffled by her knees. "I ... told Romeo that. That I was scared to talk to you, 'cause I didn't want to know yet. Because ... it was gonna be bad news. It had to be."

It had never been anything else. Not with his job, his boss, his world.

"S'not bad news. It's no news. It's... maybe it's a maybe. But it isn't just... nothing. It ain't no."

He shook his head and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes. Breathing. Breathing was important.

Gonna get into his room and break out the tequila. Yeah.

"I'm not gonna... make you just... wait for this. I mean. If you can't. If you're scared. You don't have to be all..."

All of the tequila.

"You don't have to pretend to be okay with this. I don't want that."

"I don't even know what this is," she said. "You didn't quit, except you sort of did but you can't say that, and you sort of didn't, and you don't know for sure, and the next time, maybe we won't show up in time, and I'll never hear from you again and that'll be the only way I know. Gaia's dangerous, and on top of that, nobody lasts long, as a Turk. But you'd rather be a dead Turk than ..."

Alive, and hers. That was what it came down to, wasn't it?

"What do you want me to do?"

It was tired. Empty. Kind of hollow.

It was words.

Maybe it wasn't an argument. He didn't know, anymore, what he was supposed to be doing, now.

"Nothing," she said. She stood up, dusting her shorts off, even though they were perfectly fine. "Would it matter? You're theirs. I've always known that. I just don't know if there's room for anything else."

"Oh."

Not gonna snap. Not gonna break. Held it together all damn weekend. Did what he had to do. Kept his head on right.

Not gonna crumble. Not now.

"Nothing."

Not gonna.

"No room. For. Right."

Not until he was in his room with the door shut behind him.

"Okay," she said. He wasn't even going to deny it. She'd ... leave. It seemed like the best plan. She pushed off the wall and ... stopped. Dammit. Not sure how to ...

"If you're supposed to ... keep me under surveillance, or ... something like that." Like come after her, say. "Will you ... do I get a warning?"

"If I'm supposed to, I won't anyhow."

Didn't give Tseng a report. Didn't dump her. Didn't leave the island just because the boss was throwing a snit about her. Sure as hell wasn't going to do 'something like that.'

"Not like they have any reason to keep an eye on you anyhow, zoto."

"Your boss might be kinda upset," she said, dryly. "After that whole ... you know."

She glanced over at him. "... Nobody told you?"

Reno was pretty sure that he was lost in a daze, now. That would explain a great deal.

"... No?"

No, nobody had told him anything. Which was maybe why his head hurt so much right now.

"Told me what?"

"Pulled a gun," she said. It sounded flat. Dead. "Was gonna kill him. Didn't."

Kinda sucked at that.

...

There were words coming out of Rikku's mouth now that Reno was pretty certain he was hallucinating. Maybe? He had to be. Because.

... Because he just... did.

"You... did? On who? What?"

This was going... Badly. Wrong. It was wrong. Everything was inside-out and nothing was supposed to be like this.

"Are you okay?"

It was a stupid question, and he knew it. But it was words, sane words, some grasp of maybe normal conversation and inside-out had turned into upside-down, and it was working on somersaults, next.

"The President," she said. "After. It was."

She shrugged. "'M fine. Nobody was ... he never ... it was never gonna be him. So I was gonna say it should be. This time. And Tseng ... y'know. Got all. Whatever. So I didn't."

She'd pulled a gun on Rufus and Tseng stopped it.

Which was... good. Because Rikku shooting at Shinra would be bad. Because it would mean no Rikku. Which was very not good. And.

And.

Wrong. All wrong. Last week had been perfect and they were going to go to homecoming together and there was talk about maybe Spira and chocobos and they were laughing at their stupid pets and and and and he just.

Couldn't.

Had to just. Talk. But there weren't words. So he.

His arms were around her and he was crumbling. Swore he wouldn't. Lied. Crying into her shoulder. Feeling like an idiot. Feeling dead.

She ... hadn't ... expected ... okay, she hadn't known what to expect, or if he'd yell at her or be angry or freak out and ...

She buried her face against his shirt and tried like hell not to start sobbing. "I'm sorry," she said. "I ... I'm ..."

He was mumbling words, over and over again, and he wasn't entirely certain what they were because he was too busy trying not to break down entirely and he was failing. So he just gave in, and he cried, and while he was crying he could listen to himself, muttering again, "I'm sorry," and "I love you," and "so tired," and "Not goin' back, can't go back, I'm sorry."

He wasn't going to let go. Couldn't.

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