the_merriest | Outside Room 429, Late Tuesday (After Radio)

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Outside Room 429, Late Tuesday (After Radio)

Okay. So. She'd tried sleeping some, last night. Got some sleep. Not much.

He sounded like hell on the radio; she felt like hell, right about now.

So Rikku was going to sit, hugging her knees, by door 429.

(for he whose door was modded with permission. note: this conversation gets kinda serious, touching on his drinking issues, so viewer discretion is advised.)

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"You are," she said, in that same tone. "You are being stupid. Oui yna yldehk cdibet. I don't know any other languages, or I'd do more. You can't stop being Reno. Being a Turk isn't a superpower. It's a job."

He nodded slightly. The two languages were enough, really. They covered it well enough.

"I think I can quit. I think I actually got the option. It's somethin' I never thought I would get. And... I don't wanna die for this. I'm not gonna die for my job. And I don't wanna lose you."

It was all said in the same tone. 'I don't wanna die' was just as much a reason for wanting to quit as 'I don't wanna lose you,' and neither of them had been reasons for anything before Fandom.

"I'm not saying you have to," she said. That same calm, almost detached tone. "Maybe you don't. Maybe it's different. Maybe I haven't decided yet if I want to stay either way. Maybe ..."

She made a frustrated noise. "It's late. We should be sleeping."

Right.

Late. Should be sleeping. Trying to sleep. Something. Yeah. He could see that.

"You had a hard weekend," he said, and he was hauling himself to his feet, now, the bottle still on the floor. He'd return to it, later. Now wasn't the time. "I'm not gonna dig my claws in and make you go through this, Rikku. If you can't... Well, shit. That's fine. Not wantin' to lose you can be... I wanna be your friend, even. If that's... still okay, I mean."

He'd blown himself up. Yeah. And then he went right back to standing on guard for Rufus. He could see how this would be an issue.

"I'm sorry," he said again, and this time he actually knew why, "for draggin' you through hell and still not knowin' where I stand with all of it. Even after all that. It ain't fair. Especially not to you, zoto."

"It isn't," she agreed. "It's ... you say that they're not all that matters to you. But ... all of that, and you're still leaving me hanging because you haven't figured out what you want with them. They're first. They're always first."

She shrugged. "Then you think you can come back to me and tell me where I'm going to fit into the rest of your life, and ... I don't know how I'm supposed to not resent that. Especially after watching you die."

That time, she said it without her voice wavering at all.

He had to stop. Had to shove his hands into his pockets to keep himself from reaching into other pockets for his smokes again. Had to make more words.

Words were hard.

"Then resent it. At least we got this far. If you're gonna resent me, at least now I know why."

It hadn't really been rocket science, true. But that didn't make it any easier to swallow.

"Maybe if I ever get my shit together, there'll be less to resent. I'd like that, even. If now's too much. Or not enough. Or both. I can... I can live with a maybe, if that isn't too much, zoto."

"And you'll get back to me, once you have the rest of your orders?" she said, eyes blazing. "You get your shit together, find out what they want from you, and then fit me in around the edges? No. I'm done with that. Done resenting it and done with ..."

"Me."

Holding his gaze, gut wrenching and trying not to fall apart, Rikku managed the tiniest of nods.

And then she was going to turn and go before she had a chance to be stupid pathetic weak dammit how did they even get to this?

Walking away. She was walking away. And he knew what that fist around his heart was. Someone wasn't squeezing it, they were pulling it clean out.

And he wasn't even aware he was doing it, when he moved forward and attempted to wrap his arms around her from behind. He couldn't say anything. Because every time he opened his mouth, everything came out wrong. But.

But this was maybe 'please don't leave me' enough.

She -- oh. Dammit, dammit, dammit, she'd nearly made it out of here without crying, and now, instead, she was leaning back against him and pulling his arms around her more tightly and sobbing. She couldn't breathe and everything was all wrong and was he half as scared terrified exhausted broken as she felt right now?

She had been walking away. The only person he had ever really lived for, and she had been walking away, and taking him along with her, and fuck the Turks, fuck everything, to hell with himself, he couldn't lose her. Couldn't.

He wasn't going to let go. He was going to just. Just. Hold her and cry until she tried to pull away. He wouldn't stop her. He understood if she couldn't do this. Just. Right now, he wasn't going to let go.

She. Wasn't. She couldn't leave. Her dignity, her pride, all stupid and he was real and warm and she'd thought he was dead, watched it happen and he wasn't allowed to die. Was not allowed.

She wasn't pulling away. She was turning to press her face against his chest and hold on for dear life.

Okay. Okay. That was. That was what made Reno cry even harder, because...

Because now he was never, ever, ever letting go. Ever. Bed? Just to sit? Maybe? Sitting was very good right now. Bed? Sitting? Steering, kinda. Maybe. That way.

She was going to hold on. And let him steer. To the bed. Not like that. This was. To sit. And. Hold. And. Bury herself against his neck and wonder where the hell they went from here.

Maybe this was rock bottom. Maybe the only place they had left to go from here was up.

Reno was damn aware that it was wishful thinking. But he needed something to believe in, right now.

That was going to have to do.

"Tired," he shared. Because... that summed things up well enough, for now.

"Me, too," she said softly. "Was ... tired when I got here, you know? Came to ..."

She rubbed at her eyes. "You sounded so tired, and I felt so tired, and I thought ... we could ... just curl up and sleep, maybe. So I came here. And instead it all went wrong. I'm ... I'm sorry."

Maybe it had been a mistake to come at all."

He bit his lip, nodded a little, and tightened his arms around her.

Still wasn't going to let go.

Maybe never. Maybe.

"I vote we sleep on this. And... maybe sleep'll help. Somethin'."

Too easy to let his arms be warm and safe around her. Too tired of arguing and fighting. Too hungry and exhausted to even know which way was up any more.

"'Kay," she said, flatly. "Should I ... I'll go. So we can. ... Sleep on this? Is that .............. good?"

He wasn't letting go. Not just yet.

"Sleep's good."

It was.

"Stay? Maybe? I mean..." He loosened his grasp slightly, tentatively. It was possibly one of the most difficult things he'd done this week. "If you're up for it or whatever. I mean. You don't gotta, if things are..."

Awkward. Tense. If you're angry. All of that.

"I ..." She couldn't find words at first, and it was so fucking tempting to shut the hell up and curl up with him and let that be the end of it.

Except. Except. Except.

She pulled away, slightly, letting one hand cover her eyes. Breathe.

"I can't ... if I stay, it's ... I said I'd leave. Because. I still have ... some ..." Pride? Dignity?

"I want to stay more than anything and I can't," she managed. All in one breath. Breathing. "'Cause. I won't leave again. You. And. We can't go on like this, I can't be ... just ... then you hear from them, and then you let me know, but it could change, and it's never me. I can't."

Reno listened, quietly. Tiredly. And he nodded a little at everything she had to say.

And he licked his lips and he shut his eyes and he breathed for a moment.

"If you weren't number one, Rikku, I'd be in Edge right now, zoto."

Maybe it was just that she didn't know. Maybe it was... that he sucked at showing it. Maybe. Something.

And just like that, she crumpled back against him, shaking. Trying not to shake. Trying to keep it together, already, Rikku, except he was lying except he wasn't lying except maybe he believed it except he always had the job come first except when he didn't except except except ...

His arms were a very good place to tremble. She would need a few moments, before she trusted herself to speak. Maybe a few minutes. She didn't know how long it was, really. Time sort of stopped, here.

"Can I?" she asked, in a very small voice. "Stay?"

His answer was a nod. A small nod. And his arms pulling her close again, and it was okay that she was trembling. It meant that they were a matching set.

"Of course."

It just so happened that his bed was the perfect size for having Rikkus spend the night. As were his arms.

And he could use the company.

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Outside Room 429, Late Tuesday (After Radio)

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