the_merriest | Outside Room 429, Late Tuesday (After Radio)

"Nothing," she said. She stood up, dusting her shorts off, even though they were perfectly fine. "Would it matter? You're theirs. I've always known that. I just don't know if there's room for anything else."

"Oh."

Not gonna snap. Not gonna break. Held it together all damn weekend. Did what he had to do. Kept his head on right.

Not gonna crumble. Not now.

"Nothing."

Not gonna.

"No room. For. Right."

Not until he was in his room with the door shut behind him.

"Okay," she said. He wasn't even going to deny it. She'd ... leave. It seemed like the best plan. She pushed off the wall and ... stopped. Dammit. Not sure how to ...

"If you're supposed to ... keep me under surveillance, or ... something like that." Like come after her, say. "Will you ... do I get a warning?"

"If I'm supposed to, I won't anyhow."

Didn't give Tseng a report. Didn't dump her. Didn't leave the island just because the boss was throwing a snit about her. Sure as hell wasn't going to do 'something like that.'

"Not like they have any reason to keep an eye on you anyhow, zoto."

"Your boss might be kinda upset," she said, dryly. "After that whole ... you know."

She glanced over at him. "... Nobody told you?"

Reno was pretty sure that he was lost in a daze, now. That would explain a great deal.

"... No?"

No, nobody had told him anything. Which was maybe why his head hurt so much right now.

"Told me what?"

"Pulled a gun," she said. It sounded flat. Dead. "Was gonna kill him. Didn't."

Kinda sucked at that.

...

There were words coming out of Rikku's mouth now that Reno was pretty certain he was hallucinating. Maybe? He had to be. Because.

... Because he just... did.

"You... did? On who? What?"

This was going... Badly. Wrong. It was wrong. Everything was inside-out and nothing was supposed to be like this.

"Are you okay?"

It was a stupid question, and he knew it. But it was words, sane words, some grasp of maybe normal conversation and inside-out had turned into upside-down, and it was working on somersaults, next.

"The President," she said. "After. It was."

She shrugged. "'M fine. Nobody was ... he never ... it was never gonna be him. So I was gonna say it should be. This time. And Tseng ... y'know. Got all. Whatever. So I didn't."

She'd pulled a gun on Rufus and Tseng stopped it.

Which was... good. Because Rikku shooting at Shinra would be bad. Because it would mean no Rikku. Which was very not good. And.

And.

Wrong. All wrong. Last week had been perfect and they were going to go to homecoming together and there was talk about maybe Spira and chocobos and they were laughing at their stupid pets and and and and he just.

Couldn't.

Had to just. Talk. But there weren't words. So he.

His arms were around her and he was crumbling. Swore he wouldn't. Lied. Crying into her shoulder. Feeling like an idiot. Feeling dead.

She ... hadn't ... expected ... okay, she hadn't known what to expect, or if he'd yell at her or be angry or freak out and ...

She buried her face against his shirt and tried like hell not to start sobbing. "I'm sorry," she said. "I ... I'm ..."

He was mumbling words, over and over again, and he wasn't entirely certain what they were because he was too busy trying not to break down entirely and he was failing. So he just gave in, and he cried, and while he was crying he could listen to himself, muttering again, "I'm sorry," and "I love you," and "so tired," and "Not goin' back, can't go back, I'm sorry."

He wasn't going to let go. Couldn't.

And now she was crying, because he was clinging to her and falling apart and ... and ... she couldn't breathe.

"Couldn't ... help it, it was, you were ... you were gone. You were gone, and and and he's evil and he was never going t-to ... h-he ... it sh-should've been him and I ... please don't ... i-i-if you hate me ..."

That just meant that he was going to have to squeeze her more tightly, and make a pathetic, kind of sniffling attempt at choking back the sobs that were breaking through, and when the hell had he gotten so damn soft, anyhow? He was a Tu--

He was.

He...

"S'good you didn't. Means you're safe. And... And. S'just... S'you and... Yeah."

He hoped, hoped, hoped that she understood what he was trying to get at, this time. Wasn't about Rufus. Wasn't. Reno didn't give a shit about Rufus. Didn't have to, anymore. Man was standing, man was healthy, if Reno could be done with it, he would be.

Rikku meant so, so much more than that.

"We should ... inside," she managed, stepping back and wiping her face with her arm. "Not here. Inside. Talk? S-... something?"

Because she couldn't breathe, and couldn't stay standing, and her heart was breaking all over again, and she had thought it was just dead and ... inside? Please?

"Inside," Reno agreed. Inside was good. Inside meant he wasn't making an idiot of himself in the hallway for anyone to see if they walked by. Inside was- key. He'd need that. Okay. Key got. Inside was.

That.

He opened the door and glanced at her, biting his lip a little. Maybe if he could pretend not to notice the stale smoke in the air, the emptied bottles, and the cigarette butts littered around the room, she wouldn't notice them, either.

"Inside?"

"Inside," she agreed. Noticing the smoky, dead taste. Noticing the empty bottles. Feeling her heart break more for them. Wondering if it would be rude to open the window, to let some fresh air in. Better just to sit down, on his bed, rubbing at her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to get her composure back together. "For ... I just ... didn't want him to ... get away with it. It's not fair. Nothing's ever fair. And I didn't do it, anyway, I don't know why I didn't, and I don't know why it bugs me that I wanted to, and I don't know why it bugs me that I ... when I woke up, you were gone. Off getting orders. And. We packed, 'cause ..."

"Cause you couldn't stay forever, even if maybe I could'a been."

Reno nodded and shut his door behind him, glancing around the room, and then letting his eyes settle somewhere around his toes.

"I think you're better'n that. Than shootin' someone in cold blood like that. It's... It wouldn't be you, I don't think. S'what scares me. Not about Rufus. S'about you. Rufus can go fuck himself."

No. Really. He could. All he wanted. Reno didn't care, anymore.

"I wanted to," she said. Floor. Floors were good to stare at. "It's never gonna be him. Is it? He was faking that stupid wheelchair. Tseng and the blonde girl, they got messed up, and you and Rude, you ..." Couldn't say it. "So he'd just get himself more Turks. Was never going to be him. He'd never pay for it. Any of it. And he just stared at me like he thought it wasn't even all that interesting. Oh, hey, I was gonna shoot him? Huh. Tseng, take care of that. And Tseng did, because he's just his bitch. Not the President. Never the President. He'd let you die but ..."

Shit. Shit. Shit. No crying, Rikku.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Reno was now making his way over to sit down beside her, to put an arm around her. To pull her close.

"You can't fake the stigma like that. Rips through you and tears you apart and pushes it outta you through your skin. I think he's just a cold enough bastard he's just stopped showin' it. When he's about to die, I mean. Tseng took care of it, 'cause it's his job. It's... what Turks do. Their job. Not 'cause of Rufus. Not 'cause of ShinRa. It's 'cause they're Turks."

He bit his lip and squeezed Rikku closer and he was just spitting out words, now, not trying to contradict anything. He was just... sorting. Maybe if he could say it like they saw it, she'd understand. She didn't have to agree.

"Tseng talked to Rufus. Before he talked to me. He's in the same place I am. Doesn't know where he stands with ShinRa. Maybe he quit, too. Worst thing a Turk can do for the company is to stop bein' a Turk. Without us, all Shinra has is his money. And the world hates him too much to let him buy it. That's why he needs us. S'why Tseng said no to him yesterday morning. 'Cause it'd leave ShinRa without its hands, yoto."

"I don't ..." She shook her head, pulling back enough that she could look at him. None of it made sense.

"Why not let me shoot him? If it didn't matter, and ... if he was going to quit, except not quit, and you didn't quit, so you're still ... you're not taking yourself away from him. You didn't quit. You're still ... loyal, and his, and you always have been, and ... I get that, I just hate it, because ..."

She bit her lip. "It's. You're. I know, it's who you are, it's what you are, it comes first. And second, and third, and then somewhere around eighth, that's me, and everything else you care about, and ... I'm ... it's too much."

And when she had said that, all Reno could do was stare. Stare until his brain jump-started itself and his heart crawled back down out of his throat, where it had attempted to pull what was left of the ramen he'd had for lunch up to.

"You... really believe that?"

His tone was tired. Flat. Dead all over again. He couldn't cry, this time. All he could do was stand there and wonder what he'd done so wrong that she honestly thought she meant... damn near nothing to him.

Rikku shrugged. "It's ... who you are," she said softly. "It's what you are. You ..."

Tired. Empty. Hollow.

"You're a Turk. You're ... how many times have you said it? That you're nobody, you're nothing if you're not a Turk. That's ... all you think you are."

And his heart was sinking, now. From his chest to his guts to his toes.

"It's... somethin' to be proud of, Rikku. First time I ever held up my head and said my name, it was this name. Wasn't that other kid, wasn't that nobody." He was so very interested, now, in whatever was on his floor. A bottle. Hey. "It's just... Joinin' the Turks was never about ShinRa. Rufus could'a died on Sunday and I'd still call myself a Turk. Still be damn proud of what I was and what it meant, even if there weren't no Turks left. I'm not gonna ever stop bein' one. It's who I am."

A long pause.

"But it ain't what I do. We do what we do, no matter what, because of what we are. But it ain't the same thing. We can stop doin' it and still be Turks. But we can't stop bein' Turks and still do it. Used to be, that was the only thing kept us goin'. We get it done. Why? 'Cause we're Turks, zoto. Now... Turks are still there. Yeah. But... That ain't what keeps me goin'."

"Your boss said ..." There was a wry smile, directed at the floor. "That. That's me. But you ... do you know how that sounds? For you to ... you're nothing without this. You choose this over everything. It's killing you, and you hate it, but it's still ..."

She made a frustrated noise. "I don't understand. If you don't care that he could've died, then why didn't Tseng let me kill him? If you hate him, why are you still working for him? I don't get it. I never have. I just ... hate your job. And it's gonna k- ... kill you, sooner or later, but that's what you want. No matter ... what it costs. And it's almost been me."

Might still be.

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