Now was a good time for her to go sit down on the other bed in the room. It was all nice and safe and other bed-ish.
"I don't want to scream at you," she said carefully, pulling her feet up so she could hug her knees. "I don't. I want ... I want to put my arms around you and ... make all the horrible bad stuff go away. You never having a family and the rest of it. But some of it ..."
She was looking at her toes. They had bright green nail polish on them. All ten. It was chipping. She should reapply it soon.
"You say I d-don't approve like it's some sort of ... 'shame on you' sort of thing, and not that I just can't ... I can't always hold you and help you when you're grieving over ... things that I can't ... be okay with. I want to. And sometimes I can't. And I don't even know how to say that without sounding like ... dammit, you're gonna ... think I'm saying I don't want to hear about this. I do. I want to help. I mean that. No matter what it takes. But sometimes it's more than I have in me, to do that, and that feels so ugly and petty and selfish, and if I say anything you'll shut off again. So I tell myself to stop that already and if I love you then I should want you to not hurt and I shouldn't be horrible and petty and selfish and I try to stop it. I do. I'm just ..."
She rested her forehead against her knees. "I shouldn't have said anything. Everything's coming out wrong and ..."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-07-27 07:59 am (UTC)"I don't want to scream at you," she said carefully, pulling her feet up so she could hug her knees. "I don't. I want ... I want to put my arms around you and ... make all the horrible bad stuff go away. You never having a family and the rest of it. But some of it ..."
She was looking at her toes. They had bright green nail polish on them. All ten. It was chipping. She should reapply it soon.
"You say I d-don't approve like it's some sort of ... 'shame on you' sort of thing, and not that I just can't ... I can't always hold you and help you when you're grieving over ... things that I can't ... be okay with. I want to. And sometimes I can't. And I don't even know how to say that without sounding like ... dammit, you're gonna ... think I'm saying I don't want to hear about this. I do. I want to help. I mean that. No matter what it takes. But sometimes it's more than I have in me, to do that, and that feels so ugly and petty and selfish, and if I say anything you'll shut off again. So I tell myself to stop that already and if I love you then I should want you to not hurt and I shouldn't be horrible and petty and selfish and I try to stop it. I do. I'm just ..."
She rested her forehead against her knees. "I shouldn't have said anything. Everything's coming out wrong and ..."